The Process Of Me

I need to make 45 hours of observation which includes two classes (20 hours) and (25 hours).

They are both special needs classes that are required from my  Early Childhood program.

It has been interesting to observe. However by just sitting in the classroom for 6.5 hours a day and following their daily routines I have been feeling extremely exhausted. I am not participating in anything because my purpose is to observe and write in my journal. I have an observation part and a reflection part.

I feel stagnate and even though my butt is hurting from sitting down all day, I sleep for like 2 to 3 hour naps when I come home. Even during the day of observation at some points I just want to lay down and close my eyes. I have to fight myself from not falling asleep.

It is interesting how I can get sooooo tired because I am not moving myself within space and nothing else to engaged in physically.

I am learning a lot from seeing the lessons and behavior handling of the students and the social skill they are teaching them to be functional within society (to have a communication without breaking down and having a melt down, to use polite words with others and to not be abusive to themselves and others).

There are seven children in the room and 5 of them have a one on one aide. Their disabilities vary from developmental delay to bipolar, autism, hearing loss and ADHD.

I am beginning to see how emotional instability causes abusive behavior (mind possession) to the extreme of these children (even though I used to work with children with autism) is preventing them from learning basic academics and preventing them from socially interacting safely and effectively. It also goes to show that by "programming" we need to be taught effective social skills and how to get along with one another. I am not speaking about manners that suppress the child's expression. I am speaking about teaching how to be able to communicate openly, not be afraid, to know how to ask questions, how to take turns, how to share with one another, how to express without emotions and disturbing behavior based on mind possessing. And if this is difficult with "normal" children, it makes it that much harder with children with disability because they already have a strong emotional reactions.

The reasons by now are irrelevant but the reaction is something to looks at.

It was about being blamed and pointed fingers at. I blew up in yelling and couldn't believe that it is something I was accused of when I know it is not true. I reacted to the manner I was being approached. In both occasions it was something silly, such as not doing the dishes on time, or being called a hypocrite for a specific reason at the time which I found not to be true. 

As I blew up, James defused it by saying he was just talking and discussing what was going on. Although his approach was rather  YOU this, YOU that, NOW this...!

I got upset, felt caught off guard, and surprised that I was being "accused".

First I yelled saying "Oh you would know about this, right?" Basically throwing his words back at him. Then I began to cry feeling hurt that he was coming at me in accusation form.

Then he took back what he said, told me he was only trying to discuss something that he saw form his perceptive at the time. (however the way he came at me...I can tell it came from a spite form within himself, like trying to prove that I was doing something "wrong" because i had pointed the same thing in him numerous times before or some time ago). Then he told me that there was no need to get defensive. 

I went away for about 10 minutes, closed my eyes real tight and tears were coming out, thoughts were running in the speed of light...."Why am I reacting like this? Why am I getting defensive? Why am I yelling at him? I should know better!"

The first time I got defensive I did nothing.

The second time I decided I should apologies to him about yelling and getting defensive. I told him I did not like the way he approached me by pointing fingers at me and blaming me.

I'm not sure where it was coming from. Suppression? Something not being cleared up? Something coming to bite me in the ass after awhile (meaning has now manifested)?

Things have been quiet with him (meaning no feelings of anger, resentment, spite, suffocation, putting one another down). We move ourselves in the daily life. We spend time together, we go to work, we cook, we shop, we enjoy ourselves physically-sexually, we enjoy speaking, doing homework together, having our separate alone time for ourselves and so on.

The blame and defensive thing has been the only "thing" that has been brought up in some time.

While I was purchasing I felt anxiety and excitement at the same time. 

For some time now thoughts that arise when meeting our group for the first time have been "Awesome, I can't wait, I'm finally going to meet people that share the same "cause" as me!" and then "I'm scared that I will be somehow judged by others regarding my process!" As if I am not good enough in participation or something. Silly I know.

I took deep breaths while clicking the buy button.

Still HERE.

I was about to walk away but obviously the dude wanted to chit chat...LoL He went to tell me that he had just moved around the area. So I was like cool, enjoy the area. Then he proceeded to ask me some personal questions such as "where I was from" and "was I married.."? 

At that moment I realized that he was trying to hit on me. I mean I gave him the benefit of a doubt with the other questions....I immediately felt uncomfortable and pulled "myself back" like go into some sort of shyness. And I saw it became on energetic level because there was a sort of a warm rush through my body. I immediately saw that in the moment and slowed down and breathed. The rush went away.  I told the guy "well I gotz to go". And I walked away in the other direction.

As I was exiting the store to get to my car I began to analyze my behavior. It has been awhile since I've "been hit on" so to speak, but the same pattern came up to the surface. It is a pattern of instability and not knowing how to respond as if I am being "charmed" because I enter the energetic state. So breathing definitely assisted me.

This seems to happen to me occasionally and all I can do is breathe through it.

I was driving on my way home from the store. It started to happen there. I was walking around looking for measuring cups. I found the cups and then I got sidetracked into looking at other things. As I was walking down the isles I saw things that I can practically use around the house for storage purposes. Then the thought that came up was: "Our house is a mess." There are so much stuff that we are not using and they just sit there collecting dust. Anywhere from dishes and cups to blankets passed down through my grandparents that somehow made their way here on the airplane. Why do we need all these things. I felt like I had to cleanse myself from all the garbage. I was looking at those big storage boxes and saw myself just dumping all the things in there. Those things are not "mine" per say. They are mainly my mom's. 

It's interesting how she left everything behind int he house when she moved out. Now divorced, and living somewhere else she has replaced all the items in by buying new ones in the new place she lives in....and left all the old ones in our house. I felt sickened....by all the collected garbage. Shit! look at our garage....it's a disaster in there. I have spend some time "eliminating" items we do not use. Just last week I organized the closet with towels, kitchen stuff and bathroom stuff. It feels overwhelming. Clustered. I open the closet for jackets and there is tons of jackets in there...I mean how many jackets does a person need? Why are there so many jackets???? 

I was in the storage boxes isle, and was said to myself: "Why would I be storing all these items? It's moving them from one place to another. What can I do with all these "EXTRA" stuff?" I began to experience that dreamy state, and dizziness from being in the store...I had to get the fuck out of there.

I drove home and laid down asking myself "What the hell am I doing with myself? Why can't I seem to get rid of all the "garbage"? Why do we like to fuck ourselves and hold on to items that represent ideas in our heads? I just want to let it all out, shed it off myself, cleanse myself, breathe, let go of the storage place. I want to be effective, practical. I know my surroundings indicate what is within me....so if my mom left all that stuff behind, it's like the imprints she left in me (symbolically speaking).

Then I came across Cathy's blog:

And it all leads back to self forgivingness, breath....

A working individual in the current system (in America) is allowed to get pregnant. The work will be so generous as to give time off for the newly mother to be so that she can spend it with the new born child. This time off work (sometimes paid and most times unpaid) keeps/secures the position so that the individual is able to return to their spot. And this time off work is ONLY 6 weeks.

What occurs is that both parents if both are present in the baby's life need to work. Usually this work period is 40 hours a week. That is 8 hours a day (typically, sometimes it is longer hours depending on the work force). 

Now let's just give it a variable of two parents with a new born working 40 hours a week. 

First off it is advised that the mother be able to breast feed the baby, but most times this is not the case and synthetic formula is given to the baby. In either case one parent needs to be present throughout the day and night time to be there for the baby. If both parents work same shift hours, that is not possible. If both parents overlap the shift hours, there is a gap. If both parent have different shifts they can be there for the baby, however there is no time for the parents to be together, both with the baby.

Another words, 6 weeks off work (for mothers only) is not enough and it makes no sense.

So day care centers are designed to be that purpose of a secondary home for the babies. With a "generous" fee of course. 

Working at a day care center I see this all the time: parents drop of their children as early as 6 weeks for the whole day at times = that is 12 hours. And I am positive that is NOT by their choice, but money needs to enter the household. 

Sometimes grandparents can help, but according to the law one can retire at the age of 62. Most people become grandparents as early as 40-45.  So they are still in the work force. 

If I was a mother I would like to have the option of spending the first 3 years with my child. That is making myself available for the baby in every aspect. Perhaps the father and the mother can take turns. It is to see what works best in whatever scenario.

Also having long hours of work leaves one with no time to themselves. This is what I am currently experiencing. I work 40 hours at the day care center. That is I am constantly with young toddlers for 8 hours. By the time I get home, I am exhausted physically. It is too much. It is crossing a line of how many hours one can be at their job environment.

I have experienced both part time job and full time job and the part time job allowed me the time for self enjoyment after work. BUT I suffered the financial consequences. Full time job is more money but no time for self enjoyment outside of work.

Now if we placed a full time working parent with a baby is becomes nuts.

Single parents is even harder. 

And ladies and gentlemen it all revolves around money.

So we are back to the origin of all consequential issues of the world=money system

An Equal Money System will be what is best for all

Join us and place your vote:

Let's look at the health system, particularly in America, because that is what I can speak for. 

If a person is in a "lucky" position they will have a job that provides them with insurance coverage. This person pays off their paycheck every two or one week pay period a sum that is added to a pot in the insurance company. However how much the individual pays matters how much coverage one can get. The more it is given, apparently gives the right for better coverage. So when this person gets sick, or needs to visit a doctor for various reasons they pay out of this pot luck money. However apparently this pot luck money is not enough so the insurance pays a certain percentage and the rest is left off to the individual. Instead of having one insurance company, there are many that play a game of competition, give pros and cons to each other that the individual has to deal with because the individual can never get the full package.

Moving on to jobs that offer insurance. 

Interestingly enough some jobs do not offer an instant insurance coverage. The idea is that they do not know if this person is going to be there, so there usually is a 3 months grace period where the person is uninsured. So the better the company (more wealthy) the more instant insurance coverage the individual will receive. Again, this does not take into consideration the individual, because if this individual works in a place where sickness is easily presented such as a day care center they will need insurance at instant hire because it is common sense.

And then there are jobs that do not offer any health insurance. Those are usually the ones that are supporting illegal immigrants and are in private businesses where they do not wish to pay to support health insurance. So then the individual is required to signed up for Cobra- a self paying insurance that charges way more than if the company offered insurance. 

However if one does not have either option because they are not financially capable the back up plan is support from the State. And this support from the State comes from the working tax payers, where the individual who is working pays a certain fee off their check to the State, which the State uses for various aide stuff for those "below the poverty line". But for this to take in effect, the person needs to have children. So now we move on to why so many people below the poverty line have babies they should not be bringing into this world at the financial position they are because it is unsupportive environment for that child to be in.

In any case this system does not support the best interest of the majority of what is best for all. And this is only for one country. A country that is considered to be number one in the world. Fucked up ain't it?

Why don't we drop the fucking bullshit and vote for an Equal Money System, where the idea of insurance as such would not even exists. We are this individual participant, the one that supports the current system. It is clear that we must change it to one that supports life.

Visit:http://equalmoney.org/

First, his mom insisted and I had a resistance to letting someone else support me in time of being sick. Point of ego I'd say. "I can do it myself, I don't need anyone's help" ego.

I would say I am doing fine....and what not.

Anyways, I experienced this ego point and felt upset that I am going to be taken care of. However I came at the house anyways. Glad I did.

A point of standing up again in self care, was calling off work for the rest of the week. I called off Monday, because my tonsils were hurting bad. I went to the doctor for the second time. He gave me diff antibiotics and cough pills. By the end of Monday my cough got really bad and on Tuesday I decided it would be a "good idea" to go to work where I spent all day coughing and probably running fever because I FELT bad calling in again. They would not let me go because there wasn't anyone who can cover my room. 

I proceeded to ask if I can take the rest of the week off, but then I realized that this would be leaving the decision up to the director. And that would not be taking self responsibility for self care. So I proceeded to telling her directly "I am sorry but it is in the best interest for all that I take the rest of the week off to have recover time and get better 100%". She did not seem too happy with this, because it meant she would have to do extra work to find people to cover my room. And she is also in the process of hiring more people. The point here is I saw that in me coming to work and keep getting reinfected because of my immune system being low constantly fighting the different bacterias, I was not 100% at my work with the children, and this is week three where I have not gotten better.

I was not going to wait on her to make the decision for me and rely my health on her. Taking matters into my own hands I saw what is best for me and the children in my room and took the action. 

Then I released the ego point of having to come and be taken care of. I realize this has got to be a trust issue I am having that has been floating around. Trust with others, trust of having the support of others. Being closed off to myself only is separation. Another point that ties up with this is having to leave my cats at home with my dad who would take care of the poorly. So James stood up and said that he will go out of his way to go by my house and feed them, clean their litter and change their water. I then saw myself in doubt if he can do it right. Another point of trust...LoL And I agreed that he does that, I realized it is an opportunity for his process of taking responsibility. 

I realized the importance of having support, of not separating myself and isolating myself from others. So when I looked at this point, it came down to trust. I can't trust anyone, I am not allowing myself to trust anyone, I am not allowing myself the care of others and the care of myself because I am afraid I would be let down. Which is probably why I have been subconsciously pushing everyone away. I am not allowing anyone in my "personal" space so to speak, or at least not 100%. I can't seem to be able to make the clear decision of whom to allow in my "personal" space as in it is supportive and whom it is not supportive, so I just said "Fuck You" to all and withdrew form everyone.

Interesting self observation I am having here...."sigh". Time to open myself again to self and others without the back chat judgement that keep going on in my head justifying why these "others" are not allowed in my life. So it comes down the the core of things.

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=118&t=7761 "Ten Words to Avoid When Writing".

I was surprised because I read the thread and it was in this section because I had commented on it but I did not remember reading this post. So then I scrolled down to see my comment and it was the following:

I have let gone of all self commitments that would be supporting me, such as my yoga practice, engaging in various activities of experiencing the physical as myself...time management...and so on. This morning I established that I am dead, no self motivation, no self commitment, no self voice and a whole lot of confusion and dependence on others. I guess that ties up with the "acceptance" point, meaning the lack of self direction.

So, I signed up for the gym yesterday. I wanted to do the yoga classes but it turns out they don't offer them that much, so I will have to try some of the other classes they are offering as well as the equipment.

Point One- "getting back in shape" meaning supporting my physical body through some sort of movement. I feel so stiff and my body aches. 

Point Two- be aware of what I eat to support my physical body. My attempts of "diets" for good nourishment have failed. So I will keep standing until I got it.

Point Three- setting my supporting environment. Do not participate in energy, in other's energies, be consistent with my foundation.

Point Four- time management. I have been all over the place, like a person with ADD. I start one thing, then jump to the next one without finishing the first, then another one shows up. Very distorted and hardly anything gets done.

Point Five- stop the blaming of others for my problems. I am solely responsible for what I accept and allow to exists as me and for my participation within energetically reactions and mind possessions.  I should not feel sorry for myself, but rather redirect myself and accept the responsibility.

Point Six- opening self discussion out loud. I was looking at a point of communication today and realized that whenever I am in a group setting I cannot communicate self honestly. I always end up participating in a reaction. Thus something I used to do is to speak to myself out loud....it needs to get reestablished.

Point Seven- stop whining. 

Point Eight- work on building an immediate group of "friends" that stand in support of self. I cannot say I have this group right now, other than the forum and people that participate on Desteni online that live miles away. It is obviously hard to establish this in my immediate environment but I can "look" for something close enough. A point of "friends" opened up yesterday and how I do not have any for various reasons. But the main one is perhaps I have subconsciously pushed everyone away.

Point Nine- start managing my money better and invest them in things that are self supporting.

Point Ten- Breathe!

I tried syrups and candy, I even went with some "home" medicines like honey and baking soda, tea with lemon and honey...I even took a shot of vodka to see if it will have a disinfecting effect (I almost threw up from the taste).

Nothing seems to work. It is really irritating. I felt myself being crabby yesterday, I couldn't get anything done. I slept most of the day. I am experiencing myself in this self careless mode, I don't feel like doing anything productive... :( feeling sorry for myself.

I don't understand what this bacteria, or virus is supposed to show me. I looked at some points of possible suppressions but nothing made sense. It has been 2 weeks now. Why is it so persistent and non stop? 

I am going to go eat a garlic now....

His Blog Post: http://marleypeterbenjamindawkins.blogspot.com/2011/02/racism-and-equal-money.html

Living in Bulgaria I never came into contact with any black people, even though there were many that had moved from North Africa to Bulgaria to what they would call a "better" life. 

My earliest contact with a "different" race was with gypsies. However I don't think that is a different race per say. But I suppose gypsies get a bad reputation all over the world. Where I lived we had a building across my building that supposedly had many gypsies living there. I was taught to be afraid of them because they can hurt me.  I remember one time I was with a group of friends by the swing, when a few gypsies rolled on their bikes over the hill, and I remember experiencing this fear inside of me because I felt unsafe. They were approaching us. They did not end up bothering us, but that fear that they might hurt me was very memorable.

Then when I was 14 years old we moved to the states in the north side of Chicago where there was a division in the neighborhood by ethnicity and race. Where I lived were mostly Russian, Polish immigrants, then there was the Jewish part that was apparently the "safest" to go into. and then there was the "ghetto" part where I was supposed to go to High School in, but my mom made everything possible for me to go to the slightly "better" High School". 

I was never directly taught to hate or avoid black people, but it was evident that my mom would not like it if I brought a black boyfriend around. Friends were Ok.

So lets talk about the result of this. I found myself rebelling against my mom, subconsciously and consciously. It was like an oppositional disorder where I would go against everything she would have liked for me...lol

I built the idea in my head that it would be so cool to have a child with a black guy, because I my perception of a half white, half black was "they were beautiful". At the same time though I had this cautious trait to where i would not dare go for a black guy because of what I saw on TV as the represented "culture" of mistreating women, gangs, guns, drugs and so on. So I would be secretly attracted to black guys but not want to cross the line. 

Moving into my college years, I ended up dating a half black and white guy who basically did take advantage of me, and as my mom did everything possible protect me....I experienced the worse 3 months where every moment was stressful. 

From another side to add more towards this, I used what I learned in history and my ethnicity classes to justify how I would somehow protect blacks from being abused due to their race and history, I would literally have this attitude like i understood what "they been through" and I would never do anything that would offend this race. So my perspective of not passing judgement was placing judgement on whites and every white person that had something against a black person. That eventually went for all the other races as well, but it remained dominant towards blacks.

I remember before Desteni and looking at the point of attraction towards black men, that I would somehow behave differently when there were black guys around....not so much women.

And the inner desire to be with one because of my perceptions that had built into a "preference" at some point was still there. However I felt as if I do not meet their "women standard" such as I did not have the "big booty" or "tick tighs" that I would listen to in songs. Music was another aspect...I placed myself into listen only HIp Hop and R&B music, where everything else was unacceptable for my "standards".

There was a certain hate built up inside of me of not understanding how people would hurt one another over race. I noticed that the common sense was there...however I approached with from a mind perspective not knowing any better and being caught up within the whole race and ethnicity. I remember being so proud to NOT be American (even though I have citizenship). it was a point of not wanting to associate with American "culture" and especially history of racism.

So as we can see how a child grows into the aspects of racism taking a perception where they fit within it all...is pretty fucked up.

I am also glad for Desteni and the tools to have worked on this point and releasing the construct I had built up for myself.

We are all equal beings in different physical expressions and there should be no division and separation and anything that is associated with would never exists in an Equal Money System. We will built individuals who see life here.

There is always new strains forming and they always overcome the "new" medicine.

The way I am experiencing myself is like I am fighting myself to get better. This can definitely reflect on some inner conflicts I have been having lately. A point of instability because I have not yet formed the foundation on which to step on and form the stability for myself. This on and off getting sick is exhausting/lowering my immunity with each time I have gotten sick I have been experiencing it worse for my body. Last week I am sure I had strep throat. 

I said that my throat began hurting on Monday (check last post). I thought it was caused emotionally because there was nothing to indicate that I had caught a bacteria. I was feeling 100% and then just like that over night BANG. It began hurting when swallowing. On Wednesday I decided to look at it with a flashlight, only to discover the white patches. So my mom gave me some antibiotics (non doctor prescribed) and they did not work. The interesting thing was that I had a hard time eating this pill. It would get stuck in my throat and it had this disgusting taste. I had to break down the pill after I almost chocked on it. I took it, and it got stuck, it would not go down, and I began to caught, I can still breathe, but it was really uncomfortable. I went to the bathroom and coughed and coughed until I had a throw up reflex and the pill came out. Then it felt as if my throat had burned.

Today I finally decided to visit the doctor. I have no insurance at the moment because I have to wait 90 days upon higher date. Which makes NO sense. Those 3 months are crucial because that is when one would be getting sick and adjusting to the center's bacterias. In an Equal Money System this would not be happening, because it is common sense. 

So back to the inner conflict which it is clearly represented within me "fighting" off bacterias and viruses. Inner conflict is with self and mind so to speak. I feel like I am coming in and out of self and mind. I will observe myself and actions and reactions....and the common sense is there but so is the mind possession. Bouncing back and forth. It is very irritating.

I feel like a mess.

In there I will be going into more details of points I see. I intent to keep it consistent, since none of my "diaries" have ever been before, and the notes I take are very random that it loses it's path so to speak. I am now ready to do this. :)

Anyways, what occur was the misunderstanding of two different perspectives where neither one could see the other because it became a point of defense. However in this point of defense many things surfaced that I could see. All revolving with the point of consideration. 

What started the so called fight became irrelevant at the point of the consideration point being brought up.

I realized I had been holding back on this so it had to come out somehow...lol

The first point was the point of un-acceptance that I had to face within me. I was out when I received a phone cal from James telling me that he was going to leave the house without me if I didn't not get back home by the time he came home. (We had made plans to go eat dinner at his parents, but he never told me the time. So the way it came out from him was that I should have known, or guessed that he would be hungry after work and wanted to leave right away.  What he failed to also tell me was that he was meeting someone at his parent house to help him out with his phone, and the guy lived far away so he wanted to get there fast.)

I did not like the way he came at me as this familiar old feeling arose inside me from the past, like a making me feel bad feeling, as if I have done something wrong, getting yelled on the other side and being told that something will happen if I don't show up in the timely manner. I got pissed, because that feeling had come back, for being in this familiar position, where the previous guy would deliberately place me in to make me feel bad.  And I would accept this and say OK...maybe I had done something wrong...maybe he is correct, trying to justify his words and submit to whatever the "demand" was.

Since Sunnette's post about me having the personality of the "acceptant" and having to look at things with self direction, I decided that I was not going to submit to this feeling that was arising within....however I took my anger on him. I texted him back while I was coming back to the house and said that I was not going to allow him to make me feel bad, so he can go by his fucking self to his parents house! As soon as I got back, he was on his way out. He seemed to walk by me upset, but probably expecting me to get in the car.  I gave him a look and went into the house. He left without me.

I was so upset at that moment, as the emotions kept running through me, I was crying. I felt that I was not being teated fairly, and did not know where this attitude of his came from. 

He text me later saying (his perspective), that he had to leave as soon as possible to meet with this guy....and it did not imply that I couldn't meet him at his parents later, and then tried to justify his point by saying that I should have know he would have beer hungry and that he assumed I would be waiting for him to get home so we can leave.

I told him that he approached me as if I knew the time and simply blew him off, and that was not fair of him. I told him he cannot just assume that I would know what will be coming up next and I was not going to play the guessing game. He needed to communicate shit clearly. And the second point opened up....point of consideration. I have been experiencing myself disregarded by him. I mean we both work, so when there is time for us to spent together we had not been involving ourselves in using this time. So I steeped up and would suggest..let's do this or that, but he is always busy on the computer. As in I can manage my time and make sure that I include him within my time, but he has been failing to do the same. I can tell he is simply preoccupied in different matters. It's like fucking ghost town. We are in the same space but there is no interaction between us. I began to see this and directed myself to involve him, to consider him. 

I did not get a response back from him regarding what I had said. He got home later while I was watching a movie....he went straight to bed in the downstairs room with his computer. After the movie, I went downstairs to talk to him (I thought he was awake). I entered the room and asked what he was doing...LoL (with lights shut off and what not). He looked at me disoriented....red eyes (as when someone would be crying), kinda sleepy. He kept staring at me for about few seconds...It appeared so strange to me...I asked if he was OK....a bit concern cuz I have never seen him like that. He said "what?", I asked what he was doing, he said "what does it look like....I'm taking a nap." (at 10 30pm) So I said OK and exited the room. I got ready for bed....and this fucking feeling in my gut, that would not go away. It is unacceptable to leave shit just hanging....playing the mad game of not speaking to each other. So I went back downstairs, I entered the room and told him to move over. I sat on the couch by him and simply gave him a hug. At this point I had nothing to tell him, I just wanted to defuse this tension point of being mad at each other, and allowing the emotions to run us. He hugged me back. I asked if he was going to sleep here....and he told me no, he would go upstairs with me.

We went to bed just holding each other, as I took in my last tears of the emotions, perhaps I should have cried them out because my throat was hurting in the morning, the same pain of holding back my tears, because I did not want to cry in front of him. I have done that before and last time I did it it was a point of manipulation like I knew he would comfort me....so I did not want that to happen....although it was not about manipulating him this. Yea I should have let gone the emotion completely instead of holding back my tears....well now I am accepting the consequences of my throat hurting. 

This morning I remembered Lindsay's blog about taking it back to self. So let's take the consideration point back to self.  Where am I NOT considering myself?

to be continue....

I encourage everyone to do this stimulation and reflect how they experienced themselves as "having" a learning disability.

I took an objective perspective to the simulation, however I can tell that if it was a real thing in my world where I experienced in every moment it would be frustrating if I had no support to accommodate me and I was expected to keep up with everyone else.

While taking this simulation, I realized I may have a very mild reading disability.  I would view it previously as I just did not like reading. But experiencing this simulation opened up a point about my reading experience.

I did not like reading since I was younger. My dad was forcing me to read books. I would only read the ones I felt an interest towards. The ones I did not see interest towards I started a few pages and did not finish. I had a hard time with focusing on reading. I noticed that when I read sometimes I would go have to go back and reread because I would see the words, but not READ them. like reading it, but it was like I did not read it...so I had to go back and slow down and actually focus. I notice this with everything I read. When something I read is not comprehended I skim through it, or when it is a vast amount to read I skim through it, like waiting for an interesting part or something, a part that catches my attention...LoL

I noticed my slow reading when taking the ACT test, or any kind of state, government testing. I would spend a vast amount in the reading, grammar, comprehension part, and there will be no time for the math, science section. Which is why always did great on the reading part, and not so great on the math and science. 

I wondered if this had something to do with dual language.  My first language is Bulgarian, and second language at the age of 14 is English. I feel like i never got to fully develop an articulate Bulgarian, and because English was my second language it was never fully developed either, however I see English now as my first language rather than Bulgarian. My thoughts are in English. My dreams are in English, very rarely in Bulgarian. That is because I use English on daily basis and Bulgarian has fallen "behind" somewhere. I have a hard time translating English to Bulgarian, because I am missing some words that I should know, and do know, but are buried somewhere in my mind.

So I see this is something I have to take upon myself and re-direct this "disability".  Now that I have the awareness of it, I just have to see how I can assist myself effectively to improve and "reeducate" my vocabulary in both languages. I see reading books and novels in both languages as a great idea to have access to that "missing" language. 

This morning I was sitting in the kitchen after I had just made coffee.  The way I drink it, is making one shot of espresso and the rest I steam milk. However to make a "good" shot of espresso I have to pack the grinned coffee perfect, so when I put it in the machine there is not too much air, or it is not packed too tightly.  If any of that occurs you get a bitter dark shot. I would still drink it, but to get a perfect shot, it taste much better...lol 

So this morning I was focusing on every movement while I was preparing the coffee and milk and I got a perfect shot.  That was "self satisfying"...hehe

So when I was sitting down drinking it, I reflected on how preparing this coffee was like walking my process: carefully, attentive, gently, here in every moment, and when I am not careful, attentive, gentle, here in every moment I get "bad" shots of espresso that are bitter...LoL I get a bitter smack in the face telling me, try again next time, face yourself.... 

The way I have always done things is state myself out and give an option, however not taking into consideration when the other person stands within this, and placing myself separate from the other person as in what I say and how I say is the correct way because that is how I have experienced myself and that is what works for me (like keeping myself in check).  

The way I have been working with myself is taking a gentle approach with myself and others. Gentle, yet direct and taking in consideration the other person as myself, placing myself in their "shoes".

For example, today I got up in the morning and decided I was going to clean the house, sweep, vacuum, mop, and clean the bathroom.  For those that have read my older blogs on my frustration with cleaning and the people I live with, you will see that I was experiencing an anger point because no one else was helping me and I imposed this schedule on everyone, because I saw it everyone should agree on this point and we can share the chores equally. And when I found myself to be the only one following my schedule, there was a point of anger and spite towards the others because they were not complying.  It is not to say that creating a schedule was a wrong way of proposing the shared chores.  However given the people I live with, I disregarded where they are "coming" from regarding the point of cleaning the house and that imposing something they did not see as much  of "important" was simply allowing myself to exists as the anger point.

I had dropped the schedule for some time because it showed not to be effective in the specific case. And I had pulled myself away from them, because there was a point of I do not trust them with the tasks at hand so I must do them myself.

Today while I was cleaning, James woke up and came downstairs.  I immediately experienced a point of anger because I THOUGHT to myself "he was not going to help me, look at him just sitting on the couch doing something other than asking me if I need help..." and the thoughts went on, I experienced myself getting angry, wanting to say something mean with an attitude towards him.  Then I stopped! I said, "why am I focusing on this bullshit, and not on the enjoyment of cleaning, and what I am doing in this moment?", "why do I keep feeding this energy of anger..?" I said "I have given myself the chance of a second opportunity, as the same point arose in me regarding cleaning and James....I said this time it shall be done different.  I will not react to this energy.  I stop it NOW!.

So after I was finished cleaning.  I sat down and told James: Can you please help me next time I am cleaning?.  He said of course, you just have to ask me and let me know what you need help with".

I opened the point with simply being direct without any emotions being involved. And I know that the same will be true for asking my dad or my brother.  

Previously I had a division of tasks for everyone to do.  Now my focus is on asking them to do that which I need help with whenever I initiate the cleaning, so it becomes more of a group effort, rather than separate tasks. 

So lets give this one a try :)

BTW if you read this post, read the last one as well.  I chose not to post it on facebook, because of work related things...it is explained in there why.